I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
Randomize
