please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
Randomize
