My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
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