So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
if i had a camp nickname it would be Flick Bean
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
Randomize
