I accidentally had phone sex last night
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
