If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
Randomize
