I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"
I forgot about that,good spring break.
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
Randomize
