i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Randomize
