i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
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