I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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