He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
They wouldn't serve more then two Shots per person, so you grabbed a group of strangers and said u werre buying them all shots, then proceeded to drink all of them.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
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