btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
Randomize
