Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
Randomize
