Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Randomize
