I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
Randomize
