I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
