Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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