it wasn't lemon gatorade
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
Randomize
