I didn't shave. On purpose
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
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