We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
Your message has been received by an unknown user. Picture verification required.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
