you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Randomize
