Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
I love having hate sex.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
Randomize
