"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
Don't use my boy Weezy to support your whoreish tendencies.
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
I forgot wine drunk hurts
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
Randomize
