she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Randomize
