Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
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