can we get nightvision for the apartment?
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
seeing two hook-ups in tagged in the same picture will send chills down anyone's spine.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
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