for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
