Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
Do you remember whose house we're in?
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Randomize
