i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
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