my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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