its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
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