Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I think I am morally bankrupt
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
