So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
Randomize
