The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
Randomize
