He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
Randomize
