guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
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