It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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