We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
I didn't notice because vodka
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
Randomize
