I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Randomize
