puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
Randomize
