i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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