In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
I molested 6 butterflies tonight
My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize