I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
Randomize
