Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
