The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Randomize
