i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Randomize
