just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
Randomize