my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
Who were the five players on the alien team from space jam?
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
there is glitter all over my balls
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