omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
Randomize
