We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
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