Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
Randomize