i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Randomize
