Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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