If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Randomize
