It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
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