Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Randomize
