I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
