I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Randomize