So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
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