I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
Randomize
