I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
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