I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
