the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
