We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
