my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
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